(picture above: Cousin Brittany showing Aidan how to drive)
As I’m stuck in traffic on my long, slow, stop-and-go drive into work, my mind was wandering on what I could blog about today. I don’t usually get stressed out about my commute, since I leave early enough to take my time (like I have a choice). I may get cut-off and tailgated, but I don’t bother playing the game. I even enjoy the only time I can listen to my own music or talk shows without kids crying for something or husbands scanning through the channels.
After a few minutes, I finally broke through the traffic sluge to a section where I could go a nice 50mph pace in a 40mph stretch. I decided to back off a bit since Scottsdale has been putting up speed cameras, hidden all over town. My mind was just drifting back to my blog when FLASH! A car barreling past me in the left lane at around 60mph triggered one of the hidden camera trucks! In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – HA HA!
To make the situation even funnier (I’m a cruel cruel woman), both of our cars got stuck in a traffic pile-up a few blocks ahead again. I happened to be in the lane that was moving faster, and I rolled right on past her. In fact, I made it through the green light, while she was still sitting there stuck at the red for the next 3 minutes. She’ll have a $250 ticket waiting for her in the mail, and she still didn’t get anywhere any faster. Oh the sweet irony of it all!
So today, I offer up the following rules for How to Drive in Phoenix! I did not write these, but whoever did obviously lives here. For those of you back in Wisconsin – feel my pain!!!
How to Drive in Phoenix
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "FEE-NICKS".
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
13. When making either a right or left turn at an intersection, do not, as would be expected in most of the county, turn into the nearest lane. This would require slowing down. You must cross as many lanes as possible and take the corner as fast as possible.
14. Signs reading "No U-turn," should be considered more as helpful suggestions than an actual rule.
15. It is unacceptable to slow down for a potential hazard on the road, however, feel free to slow down or stop long enough to visually inspect anything happening on the side of the road. Whether it's an overturned school bus on fire or a car with a flat tire, everything deserves a good long look
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
13. When making either a right or left turn at an intersection, do not, as would be expected in most of the county, turn into the nearest lane. This would require slowing down. You must cross as many lanes as possible and take the corner as fast as possible.
14. Signs reading "No U-turn," should be considered more as helpful suggestions than an actual rule.
15. It is unacceptable to slow down for a potential hazard on the road, however, feel free to slow down or stop long enough to visually inspect anything happening on the side of the road. Whether it's an overturned school bus on fire or a car with a flat tire, everything deserves a good long look
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